Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

My typo game is string.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”