Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

And bowling should be called pinball

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

lmao😭🤣

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.