Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Just a friendly reminder!

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them