[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Raisins are grape jerky.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.