[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks