Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

I love this❤️😁👍

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

🤣

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!