[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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