Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang