[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I’m not lazy
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
I am never leaving this website
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
