[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
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therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
was Jim off killing horses or…
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
estão todos miauvindo?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
All generalizations are stupid.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.