Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

The French word for sex is croissant.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.