Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

ㅤ

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma