Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.