Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
*puts my mental health in rice
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I know
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.