Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

584.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out