Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

you should fight them

– me as a therapist

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

This 4th of July, please remember…

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog