Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Rather alarming headline…

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting