Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.