Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

W

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?