Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire