Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.