Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
You Might Also Like
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.