I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
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When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
HER: I love sweater weather
ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”