QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
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WAITER: Ok, what are you having?
DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
This bar smells like my childhood.
For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.
4yo: what scares toast to make it jump
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend