Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries