Polite kitties have good etiquecat
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
If snakes were wide
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
aura
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.