Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Got a light

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.