Polite kitties have good etiquecat
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’