Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.