Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 馃槈
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[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
My kids do not talk to me like I鈥檓 their best chance of an organ donation.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don鈥檛 do magic
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn鈥檛 need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10