political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I think my mom just blocked me
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad