political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.