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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.