Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.