Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

i want it utterly assaulted.

good let them take over I have had enough

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.