Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
You Might Also Like
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
This is I, Robot all over again
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.