Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Cat is stressing him out.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..