Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock