Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

*me flirting

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election