[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
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ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
They’re called werewolves.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”