Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Bear

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert