Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

My whole life was a lie.

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something