Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob