Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You Might Also Like
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
My fortune cookie read “End of roll. Replace”
[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.