@InternetHippo

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

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@carlinspace

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

@KyleMcDowell86

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

@Home_Halfway

[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

@BigJDubz

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

@TheThryll

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

@CheryeDavis

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

@just1fool

I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.

@TheWeirdWorld

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

@truegritrumble

COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.