@Oshungurl
Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.
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@CornOnTheGoblin
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
@CARRIONIER
To balance out Elon Musk sending a Tesla into space, I’m going to drive my ’93 Civic into the ocean.
@steeve_again
Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece
Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?
@midwestern_ope
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
@SuperApple80
10: Mom, is Chuck Norris a real person or a myth?
Me: Yes.
@muyrando
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
@KevinFarzad
This man recorded his son every day for a decade. The footage is breathtaking and takes 10 years to watch.
@ericsshadow
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
@JohnsonDiaz21
I occasionally drink every single night.