I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
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I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos