@Oshungurl

Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.

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@Darlainky

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

@TweetPotato314

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

@Kristen_Arnett

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

@TheRealRHB

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

@mochanya

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@PinkBlotMom

Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.

@shariv67

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”