Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen