Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
You Might Also Like
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I bet
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me too 😆
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle