Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do