Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.