Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.