Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
