Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
5 ways to appear taller
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.