Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*