Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Love thy neighbor’s dog

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap