#polloftheday
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My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.