Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.