Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

Autocorrect is my menesis

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin