Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

My biological clock is wheezing.

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

Worth the read.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.