Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

A man of commitment.

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)