Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

I feel seen.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

who wore it better?

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon