Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit