Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

🖤✌🏽

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.