Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]