Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
“It shall be called the Super Bowl and will be a huge national event played deep into the night on Sunday when everyone must go into work on Monday.”
“Why not play it on Saturday?”
“Nobody knows.”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO