Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
peak technology
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine