Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
me irl
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
