Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Livid.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
