texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
You Might Also Like
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
this is 10/10 content no notes
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
How do you like your Corgi?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days