Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then

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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough


Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.


if i was a bird i’d just ride around on other birds


Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.


wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous


Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.


Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.


Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.


[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body