Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.
if i was a bird i’d just ride around on other birds
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body