My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”