Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.