Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!