Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work