@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

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@SouthTXproblems

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

@EliiHenry

*Open up, police!!*

“NO YOU’RE GONNA YELL AT ME.”

@English_Channel

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

@mollzbenn

Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.

@lloydrang

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

@Daisyldoo

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

@AnniemuMary

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.