Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.


Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”


*Open up, police!!*



It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down


Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.


Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.


If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.


I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.