Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

lol

I have a black belt in leather

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

is nasa ok

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together