Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
the three genders
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby